Late night thoughts

Hello. It feels so weird writing this blog entry. Does anyone even blog anymore? Maybe that's why I'm here, because I know no one is here. 

Anyway I haven't done this in a while, and I meant writing freely about whatever thoughts I have in my head and probably over share some personal things which I hope no one will never find. And if they do, I hope no one will know who I am.

But who am I kidding, I leave internet trail like bread crumbs. 

Anyway, I'm sitting here on my couch, after a argument with my boyfriend, wondering how I turned out the way I am. I feel like I have a layer of plaque build up all around me (excuse the gross example but I really can't think of anything else.), this layer of plaque is hard and is covering my soft centre. 

I used to be warm and positive but over the past years this plaque have been slowly building up around me, so slow that I didn't realised until it was too late. This layer of hardness is how the world sees me now. Cold, distant and unpleasant to be around. But this is not the real me. I know inside I'm warm, soft and pleasant to be around. I've been that girl before. 

But how did I ended up here...

I want to slowly chip away at the plaques that surrounds me and let my warmness shine through again. I want to be caring, friendly and see things from others point of view. I don't want to shut people out anymore. I just feel uncomfortable letting them in now that I'm hiding behind the plaque.

Honestly, I don't even know how to act around people anymore. I have no desire to engage with the outside world if it's not my immediate circle. I hate this about who I am now. 

I think the first step is to just focus on the positives again. I've been a pessimist for far too long now. I miss the girl i used to be and I can't wait to bring her back. 

Stay tuned.