Simple Things

 When people think of transformative season, it's always spring or summer but mine is winter. When the cool breeze finally starts to set in after a long summer, it feel a sense of hope and excitement for the future. I think about cozy nights alone, eating a meal and watching a video. I think of going out to eat with my friends, meeting up when the sun is down. I think of living back at my mum's place in my tiny room, single bed with my cart sleeping on the pillow. I could reach over and kiss her any time I want. I could snuggle in her coat for warmness and listen to her heart beat. There's so much nostalgia but so much hope that comes with winter.  Winter is when I broke up with my first real adult boyfriend, it's the season I moved back home, and though it was a sadness period of grieving, what comes after is hope and freedom to live a future the way i want it. I freedom of texting my friend to see if that want to go for dinner, the freedom to come home at whatever tim...

I'm going to start writing out 5 gratitudes per day again to get back into a postivie mindset. Like I said previously, my mind has been so pessimistic that I jump to the worse case scenario, and I hate that.  After the argument with my boyfriend last night I feel down. I've been feeling better all week and I was actually looking forward to my future again; getting excited for a birthday road trip which I haven't felt in so long, the excitement I mean.  I was looking forward to hanging out with my boyfriend, explore a new town and just enjoy the simple things in life again. It has been so hard to enjoy these simple things and I was really happy that I felt a little excitement. But those feelings are now gone. I'm back in my hole of feeling like living is too much. I'm too tired for this life. Even when I think of road tripping, I feel like I have no energy, it's too much for my brain to take. I don't feel excited anymore, just god damn tired... I hope one day...

Hello. It feels so weird writing this blog entry. Does anyone even blog anymore? Maybe that's why I'm here, because I know no one is here.  Anyway I haven't done this in a while, and I meant writing freely about whatever thoughts I have in my head and probably over share some personal things which I hope no one will never find. And if they do, I hope no one will know who I am. But who am I kidding, I leave internet trail like bread crumbs.  Anyway, I'm sitting here on my couch, after a argument with my boyfriend, wondering how I turned out the way I am. I feel like I have a layer of plaque build up all around me (excuse the gross example but I really can't think of anything else.), this layer of plaque is hard and is covering my soft centre.  I used to be warm and positive but over the past years this plaque have been slowly building up around me, so slow that I didn't realised until it was too late. This layer of hardness is how the world sees me now. Cold, dis...